This session is for you to listen to me. I think we have established mutual trust here and I am here to help your marriage and your marriage is in danger.
- Yes it has been before but it was a matter of drinking and saying things that shouldnt be said and after you left your wife for a few months the dynamics have changed as the behavior continued and all the trauma and memories of how you were together affect her even when you are apart.
-the way you react to her by not curbing the cycling incidence and reminding her of how untrustworthy you are when it comes to promises, not drinking, not bringing things up, not saying or doing things ofcourse upset her but it deeply affected her because of the fact that you are not with her to protect her, to be intimate with her, to show her you care after an incident and worse.. the you can make her relive the trauma of your past experiences through your words, the sound of your voice, your thought process and lie to her or deny that you are drinking which makes her feel 1. you are untrustworthythat you are playing games with her and just want her to go crazy and insult her mind 2. that you dont think she is worth restraining yourself from drinking knowing u will harm her 3. that you don't care about what is important to her and she is not safe with you.
-when the following day comes and you dont act like you are guilty or care about what happend to her not acknowlge that you hurt her especially if she was crying all night, got into a panic attack and was abandond and left with harsh words she pondered on while you were sleeping is rejecting her needs, she needs that and making her think you are uncaring and again don't care about her.
* i believe that you care about your wife because you tell me you do. She does not believe it because the more you say you do and the more experiences things that show her you dont then that is reality to her.
You are losing your wife . she is now struggling between what is true and what is not in your words and she choose thruth thru your actions this is why later we have to talk about controlling your words and actions and deciding whether or not you will give drinking up. She has made her equation. You chose the drink over and over to what she wants, what she asks, what you promise, what hurts her, what you can say to her and the fact you denied it while you are away because she couldnt see is confusing her even more! Now she thinks maybe you really just despise her and you realy do mean what you say.
- If she is your priority then you have to work on keeping her but from the messages and her dangerous emotional state it seems like you are focusing on your side which is based on invalidating her making her wrong not accepting what she says and putting her down. This is not caring abt her. You have to listen validate acknowldge her feelings make her feel u will protect her from feeling it again.
If you not stop yourself from causing her to feel betrayed and you repeat or forget or make her cry then you are a liar and cant be trusted and if she doesnt want to accept that about you or she is shocked you said what you said after you just promised her or made her feel that you wouldn't,, she goes into an anxiety attack.
again, if the drink is an issue whether it is a past or recent traumatiZing symbol that makes her anxious or afraid you should care enough to put her first ans think about her fears and reassure her when you are late or by protecting her from yourself and prioritizing her as your wife over your drink . She knows when you do. She has been around you she knows the sound of your voice if you talk. The thought pattern if you type and the emotional assault on her and the things you bring up when u have a drink. She is smart but more than that she is a woman . Women know their husbands bio rythem. Denying or ignoring that she knows especially after you hurt her makes things worse fuad. It is not a mattwr of sorry. It is a matter of disrespecting her mind and feelings ans making a statement that you dont think u did anything wrong and what she went thru because of it is not your problem but hers. This makes her more distrusting hate herself more and not feel safe with you.
The panic attacks are phyiscal responses to extreme emotional stress.
She texted me that she is staying away from you becausw she finally valued her health and accepted that you will never care about her Fuad I know your wife and this time I believe she gave up.
she either tried extra hard to get you understand and care and you let her down or she just emotionally shut down after overload of negative emotions. The body tends to do that to protect itself.
If you do love your wife you will control yourself from emotional outbursts and hurtful words during this time she is withdrawing or you will encourage her to keep drifting away from what hurts her which is your words in other words you. Please do not have a single shot you have to choose fuad and u chose over and over and she knows it. The moment she realizes you are bad and will never be good no mattwr how she tried to make you care she will permanently emotionally shut down to protect herself this is basically death to a marriage. she will never be in speaking terms and act normal but she would have resigned to not love you anymore and you dont want that.
Why she allows this to happen to her as a reaction to how you treat her we will never understand . And she hates herself already for this. If she was not like this before and you trigger her and are not willing to stop let me rephrase can not or unable to stop yourself from what she percieves as severe emotional or verbal threeat then you have to leave her before she gets into a panic attack , siezure and ends up in a coma. it is a waste of life.
It could be as simple as a bottle of wine. You have to make the effort not to even suggest or drink wine. It could be a word u say that triggera a trauma she has with you in the past that becomes worse if u told her it will never happen again and she trusted you then it did . She is not hard to deal with. Many men after they realize what hurts their women or triggers feelings of distrust or anxiety are greatful to know that and immediately stop their behavior or mever say those words again and they live happy. If he slips he makes sure he tells her he knows how he hurt her and hold her and show how sorry he is and even take her for a weekend getaway point is does something huge to reassure her.
I have listened to your wife's journey to understand and support you, to understand herself, to improve your marriage and honestly there are no ammends from your side as far as i can tell but words that you go back on and what you consider is important to her and for her but she doesnt and that does not help you at all,. Most women are like this living in big houses and having husbands who provide great but still lead empty lives and are unhappy.
Your wife came to me the first time believing that if u only understood you will not hurt her and she can live happily ever with you.
She is starting to believe you understand but choose to not care because she believes u dont think she deserves it. Because of your words and actions. She is realizing that she is not crazy she is realizing what is real and it is how you treat her and make her feel not your words of love and promises.
She does not believe a word you say now. And who knows what is going on in her mind after u left her for 4 months.
It is not uncommon for wives to feel insecure when her husbad does not need her physically. women need intimacy and physical touch and to be constantly reminded that they are needed and the only ones who can fulfill their husbands needs or that the husbands are so afraid of losing them that they have to remind them they are loved and kept satisfied and who their man is through physical intamcy.
I hear the circumstances, she hears them too but she knows you better if what you say make sense or not and actions do speak ;ouder than your words. I am a therqpist i need to listen to you but judging by how things are going your wife will give up is she hasnt already and i may never see you or her again. And my professional opinion does not matter more than my opinion as a married man who has daughters and i need to tell you you are making a big mistake tormenting this beautiful young lady who came in believing in love and a man to protect her from
The world and got the opposite and she doesnt understand why.
You have given your life to your past eelationships and when it came to her you have nothing left to give her of yourself and no material posessions dont count.
She on the other hand saved her love and emotions thru her past and when it came to u you betrayed her instead of appreciate her.
Man to man you are getting old and honestly no woman will be able to genuinly love you if this is how you treat the ones who did.
You are lucky she has values and believes in sticking with her husband and that marriage is final any other woman would walk out the door if you do so much as yell at her. What more insult and emotionally abuse her. Or abandon her for 4 months when you can afford a meet up?
you have crossed the line with her in different ways
telling a woman you dont want her or that you can find someone else or that no man will put up with ther is dangerous.
it kills her love it kills your marriage no one says these things
has she said such a thing to you? that she does not want you, this is too personal and if she did if you dont want eachother why are you together?
She will get over the trauma of this marriage she is young and easy to love and fuad if she ends up with a clerk who is nice to her and makes her feel wanted and not make her cry he will be better than you in her eyes and she will be happier than she has ever been.
You have freed her from not fully giving herself and she will now think let me try again anything would be better than fuad.
What about you? Can you honestly say to me you can end up with another woman who can make you feel loved more than thamara?
Knowing that all she needed was for u to .. Ask him what he thinjs i need?
You either be good to her and show her she is worth more to you than a drink. Her self worth it below zero now and a womans self worth is related to her man makes her feel.
I think you are a bad man to her and an asshole. That is my personal opinion aftrt hearing nothing but your defense and why you think she reacts to you the way she does. I never heard or saw any guilt or responsibility for you wifes miserable life when her life is you. My profeasional opinion is you are not compatible and unhealthy for eachother. Your values and what is important are not the same and you both have past issues that you cant let go of and make eachother pay for the pain inflicted by others. Your age gap makes you sexually at different need stages and you have basically lived your life and do not appreciate that she needs to live hers and resent her for needing u to live it with her when she has no other choice. She will
Emotionally shut down from
Repeared trauma and insensitivity on your part and probably end up having an affair and very understandably so . Especially if she wouldnt care abt what you thought or said anymore anf developed a way of protecting herself from you. And someone makes her feel worth more than you do or appreciates her personality does things for her or want to be with her more and all the things you did not make her feel and she tried to tell you and u just rejected her. you have been together for 2 years. her energy and faith in you and this marriage is hanging by a string u cut it or save it. if u cut it now it wont be dramatic because she will see it as a favor and wont demand anything from you and u can find another more suited woman you can respect and accept and put her first naturally. that would be better for you and thamara can heal and one day be loved the way she deserved and have a family and be confident and secure with the man she marries.
Before our meeting
Think about the kind of woman that will give you peace and happiness and the kind of man that will give thamara peace and happiness and why you cant be that to eacother.
Maybe you want a woman who has limited intimacy needs and can be away from you months a time
Maybe u want a woman who is quiet and doesnt share her life with you because of your tendecy to criticize and be insecure of her friends
Maybe you want a woman to appreciatr your material wndowments and share what you believe is important
A woman who is strong and cant stand up for herself when you are drinking
Or a woman who doesnt get offended if you drink and lose control or compromise yourself in a crowd
A woman who does not want to experience the world with you because she has no interest and her life is limited so you can rest and not feel pressured
Do u want a wife for a front and social appearance but behind closed doors u want her to let u be and not need your aupport?
Ask yourself what kind of woman.
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