I asked u to make time for me... This all followed. Stopped myself.

Ok habibi. I am not nagging or clinging or demanding at all. Im the one who probably doesnt have the time if u only knew how great i am as a woman in the world because i know maybe i seem insecure or emotional or judgmental or naive to you. But know that i am another kind of woman to the rest of the world just like i know u are another kind of man in business because i shared some of that life with you .. I mean we only really fight behind closed doors at the end of the day after u do your business thing and i always praise and admire your methods and defend and explain your good nature when there is doubt. I mean i really stand by u when it comes to work and proffessional image. The times you mess things up is when you lose if infront of family and close friends and i hate it as much as u do and im only paranoid abt drinking because of my instinct to protect u and your reputation. As for the way u turn on me i get angry and its unacceptable but i still love and respect u dont i? U have no idea and if u asked anyone you would. Even leigh and marwa all i ask abt is how work is and how much i miss u. Leigh i asked him to help me by avoiding drinking and explained it with love that its for u more than me but he kept saying he is until i realized he was bullshitting me and i lashed out on him and talked him abt family and tough love and sacrificing a little by staying with u sometimes when he knows u might and not leaving u and kerianne should understand and to give a little bit back in return of all u did for him. Not just smile and take take take. If he really cared he would care abt your emotional health and our relationship and your sleep. This what i talk to him abt he once promised me he would go and flush all the drink in ur room but he never did! He said so what if a night cap ?? So what? I just spent the last week explaining to u he cant sleep and it makes him think bad things and doesnt need negativity or to feel bad a abt saying things to me and i wont a accept it and smile when he does and he doesnt need it stc etc wallahi i told him stay with him all night if he insists take his phone away and dont let him be seen and calm him. But ohh nooo he does what he needs then goes wifh u for a drink that devil like i dont exist and then leaves u to go thru allll the things i said you would while he goes home early and makes his woman happy. !!  Hello your uncle is there for a short while he doesnt go there much. I am his wife respect me dont fool me and act all caring but stir shit up my god u have no idea ... But i know u will love and defebd him even more the more i have a problem with him bas mashi... This is where i am strong. I will turn a blind eye for now after all he is useful bas khabeeth wo masla7ji wo kaman yegoolli Ab3id 3annak ma ji tallak gher mashakil. Ana ya humar walla inta illi hinak wo matigdar tinsa7o yesma3 kalam hormato wo yero7 albeyt zay ma inta tisawii wo ma nseet illi sweyto fiya ashan tifarrig bey i wo beyno bas makhalleetak. Wallahi ya farha in aha miskeena and from time to time vents to me abt saudi and mahram and uk and areej and saadiya and fahad and whAt her plans are and how she misses her mom and ii talk to her miskeena and reassure her you are there i told her u got worried the last time and got mad at me and thought it was an accident or emergency...she is interested in us as a couple we once talked abt the sak wiratha and fahad and how she didnt want to open it up and askd me not to. I always tell her she is lucky she has dayghters she is blessed saadjya will never feel the hanan thats why she is hard. She asks me abt you and when will get pregnant coz she wants to see u settle and told me u are less angry at the world and more respectable now . She told me ladt eid she made a sacrifice for grandma and if we could please tell u because her sister will never lol i told her u miss ur mom and i told ber abt the school and masjid and wallahi the air is nice and clear only once we mentioned leigh and it was when u just came from spainand u were all there but in the uk  she just said he was mean to her and did his best to keep her away from you and to becareful but one day i will see how he yefarrig by stirring shit and making u believe him. I was always ok w liegh and still am but  my point is there is no way it was farha who did it because she didnt care abt destroying my life And i never even mentioned it to her and whoever did i told u my suspects knew exactly how to try to win u and make me look like an idiot and believe me u have no idea how painful the words were but i wont let anyone use me to gain sympathy for themselvs. I learned from that 16 page email that i can talk and cry and explain and freakout but it will only make me weak and defeated. And the other night i learned something else... Never breakdown infront of your man. He wont hug and embrace u and tell u its safe and vow to never make u cry again... He will just think u are fucked up and weak and unattractive.. He will get fedup and say to u to leave if he makes u unhappy and he will blame u for how things turn out when he started it in the first place.. I made this blog for these times ...the times i feel that exposing my heart will just make him respect my humanity less. Fine. Dont know how i feel ... Ur heart cant handle it anyway.