please help

I am so beaten down and confused literally  so tired and alone. I need some care .. genuine care about my health and wellbeing . I have been crying constantly and my eyes are so tired.

I have done nothing but support you abt ppv  today and u were so caring

But as you always do … u took it all back in a matter of hours

I didn’t even rest yet.

Now I am sick and I am ruing your days

And tar alnom minnak bisababi

What did I do?

And why do you like to make me feel so bad?

And how can u keep looking me in the eye

And tell me how much you love me?

When you cant even stop yourself from hurting me

Telling me no one will love me

That’s why I am like this?

And then blaming me for how beaten and broken I am

How worried and afraid

How untrusting and doubtful

Really? Its because I am inferior

Ok whatever you say fuad.

I deserve for you to think that because I stayed with you

Through every  night and day of whatever hell that was

That I  did nothing but cry to and  break down because

But I did not love myself enough

And so how u could you love me right?

I loved you more than myself and I lived through all the pain

That no one can inflict anyone they love to

Not over and over at least

Yet I still believed you

And I live with you thru it

Even if it was killing me I lived every moment with all my senses

Maybe u didn’t because you were drunk

And you are shocked that when u are mean and cruel I say u are drunk?

You rather be not?

and I tayyart alnoom minnak ?

ana or the alcohol that u keep drinking to prove how much you love me?

Because you know how it makes you treat me

And you are shocked that I don’t believe you love me

Because I am inferior I am like this?

Really?

How about because you never gave me a break

How about because of the constant stress of knowing I am not safe

No matter how much u swear to the world and tell me you do

On a cold lonely night when I am broke and beat and was just about to take a breath

And sleep with a warm heart

I am stabbed again for being such a fool.

It’s a double attack fuad

An attack on myself for tusting my heart with you when I should know better

And an attack from you when you should know better

And in the end …

You still can look me in the eye and  tell me that if love slapped me in the face I wouldn’t know what it is

Maybe you are right

Maybe this is love

And maybe I do believe it is

And maybe that is why I am so sorry for myself

That the man I love insists that it is.

Shit I am supposed to study

I am supposed to dream about nice things

Not cry and write to the jin

Because writing to the one who is supposed to take care of me

Is useless because he doesn’t care

What did I get from crying and reaching out to the one who loves me?

That I am sick and making it all up

And that he loves me and this is all in my head

Really?

Really this is all in my head?

He has done nothing but love me and protect me?

And I am such a miserable woman

Who is so inferior

This is how it ends.

This is what I get for loving him.

And only he knows the truth

An he loves me so much that he denies it

Even though it is making me lose my mind

He looks me in the eye and says  it isn’t so

And makes another truth out of my life with him.

And he can look me in the eye and say he loves me.

Even the truth he took away.

I had nothing but the truth on my side to keep me strong.

I am so tired of crying my goddd crying and pouring my heart out fever since I met him. What am I like fuck me. Maybe he is right! Maybe I don’t believe i can be loved any better! When did loving someone’s insecurities away mean that u are less of a human? I thought it was noble I thought that love would heal I thought  and I thought and  I just want  cant take it anymore

God save me plea

God shof li 7al I cant anymore

Protect me ya allah khalas I cant im so tired

My eyes are tired

My heart is tired

My mind is tired

I have no one

I cant trust him he is horrible

There is no aman anywhere

Im so tired living like this

I just want to be safe from harm

Why cant u give that to me ya allah

Please

Im so tired

My safty depends on if he drinks or not

And he doesn’t care

He still does it and I am living under constant threat

And  he knows it

An he still doesn’t protect me

God he adds to my grief and  washes his hands of my state

He embraces me and is nice to me

But he crushes me within hours or sdays

Pls protect me

I cant anymore

Pllease helo me

I am a good person wallahi I am

Please save me wallahi I am about to lose it

And he is just watching me drown

I wish he were just watching

I don’t know what he wants

Or who he is khalas

I just want to rest

Ib3ido 3anni